__I haven't talked to many people other than my close friends and my therapist about the horrible things my father did to me when I was the ages from 3 to 5 years old. But lately Herb has been trying to get in touch with me and has brought back some very traumatic memories of our past.
Where do I start? Well when i was around the age of three and a half my dad came up with a game we "played" he called "The spanky game". This first started out by him putting me face down over his lap fully clothed and he would lightly tap my bottom with his palm. As time went on he would kiss my bottom after the game. Later when he became more bold he would have me take my pants off but keep my underwear on. Then after some time he would have me completely naked when we "played the game".
After a few months of this he called me in his room and had me kiss the head of his penis. At that age I didn't know it was wrong but it made me feel weird. After some time of this he made me perform oral sex on him several times a day and called me his "little slave baby" . After some time after this we would have intercourse. He told me "A lot of people would think what we are doing was wrong so don't tell anyone. But how can something that feels so good be wrong". I was very confused! The things we were doing were so secret so why if its not wrong why can't I tell anyone. There then was a time that he bought me a dildo sex toy and had me put it in his backside several times a week and I had to go by "little Johnny" while I was doing it. When I started kindergarten my father would go to Kansas city overnight to "See his mom" But my mother would cuss and rave that he was probably sleeping with a man. After this went on for a few months my private parts started to burn and itch. A teacher asked me why I was scratching "down there" and i told her about the itch and pain. Next thing I know my mother was called to the school and was asked to take me to a doctor. The doctor figured out that I was not a virgin at five years old and had an STD. Well I went into state custody while they investigated what happened. They asked me constantly if Herb did sexual things to me and I always denied it because my dad said he would kill me and my mom if I ever told.
Awhile later my dad was arrested for molesting me and made to go to the local hospital for a mental health check and was in there for 7 weeks. The case was latter dropped due to the police not having enough evidence because I would not talk. To this day I regret not letting them know what he did to me. Because that would have made a slight amount of closure in my life. I didn't tell anyone about it till I was 16 and am now seeing a therapist that said I ought to type this letter up to show my dad did what he did to me and expose him to be who he is. I hope this brings me some relief because I am in tears right now typing this but I do feel better. I just ask that my father quit trying to contact me or I will file a restraining order against him but will avoid that if there is no further contact attempted by the phone or in person.